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Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
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3:04 am - few a far between
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It's about that time again. As usual it is the middle of the night, everything is still except for me. I should be making more entries as putting my thoughts down have some therapeutic value, but I've been putting it off.
I've enter the fourth and final year. The last year basically consists of month long rotations/externships and almost no time on campus. As a result I've lost touch with most of my classmates. Rotations wise, I've completed 3 out of 8. I've also taken my veterinary board exams. I passed the CA state vet board and I'm still waiting for the results of the national vet board exam. These will probably be the last standardized tests I will ever have to take. So right now I'm just on a mini post examination/winter break. My next rotations will resume in Jan down in SD.
Last night I got a call from a friend who's dog had been hit by a car. The injuries were serious and the dog ended being put down. I felt so bad. There was really nothing I could do to help.
I'm currently housesitting for a friend and watching the pets. Its pretty boring and I don't really leave the house for days at a time. I'm still in a post exam vegetative stupor. I spent most of the day housesitting duties, watching tv, on the computer, eating, listening to music, and running a few errands here and there. Another year is coming to end and life still feels about the same except that I'm getting older and older. People around me are married/getting married, having kids, and generally moving on with their lives and I feel like I'm stuck in limbo and not moving on. As usual I don't have any good conclusion for my ramblings. I'm starting to get sleepy and insomnia is still a problem for me, so I guess I should take advantage and hit the sack. Sleep that is not drug or alcohol induced is hard to come by these days.
current music: Ayumi Hamasaki - Heaven
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| Thursday, May 28th, 2009
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3:10 am
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Right now I'm sitting here passing time in front of the computer. I should be sleeping. But I can't seem to bring myself to end the day. The night also a calming silence. After everyone has gone to bed and I can feel alone. I kind of wish I could stay here at this moment, the time between the end of a day and the beginning of another. Going to sleep is taking a step into the future, when I wake up it will be tomorrow. I'm not sure what exactly about the future I am afraid of. I think it's because the future is too hyped up. People have been telling me that the future has great things. I've put a lot time and energy for the sake of the future. But what if when I get there it falls short of my expectations. What if everything I've worked for was done in vain. This fear also robs me of sleep. I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep in a while. I've had nightmares everyday of this week.
Current music:
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| Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
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6:47 pm - Bummer
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"Veterinarians have traditionally had suicide rates much higher than the general population"
Some reasons
-occupational stress
-reluctance to seek help
-easy access to lethal drugs
-attitude toward euthanasia
Something to look forward to when I graduate
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| Saturday, February 14th, 2009
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2:23 pm - Happy Valentines Day
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| Monday, January 5th, 2009
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1:43 am - lost in the sauce
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For the past two weeks of my winter break, I've been housesitting for a friend. So for the most part I've been alone in the house, just me and my thoughts. The thoughts start as whispers and then increase in intensity until they become thunderous. Most of the thoughts are dominated by fear. Fear of the future, fear of failure, how I'm not good/smart enough, and just generally not being up to par. Looking at past events, things usually turn out alright. I've usually been able to pull through. But yet, the fear is still there. Sometimes it becomes paralyzing and I spend the day in an unproductive stupor and insomnia at night. The fear gives me large amounts of anxiety. For a little while, I was seriously considering going to a psychiatrist and maybe starting some meds. I've just realized that I've spent most of my breaks futilely trying to delay the future. I'm prone to running away from/denying the problem. Now if I could stop being a pansy, suck it up, grow a pair, and move forward, that would be great. I try not to care about what other people think, but deep down inside I still care. I envy those who can truly not give a crap about what other people think. I guess that's it for now, my thoughts are still a little jumbled and require more sorting out.
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| Sunday, November 30th, 2008
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8:47 pm - :'(
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看著你 有些累 想要一個人靜一會
你的眼 含著淚 我的心也跟著碎
你為哪個人憔悴 為他扛下所有罪
我為你執迷不悔 整夜無法入睡
就算全世界離開你 還有一個我來陪
怎麼捨得讓你受盡冷風吹
就算全世界在下雪 就算候鳥已南飛
還有我在這裡 痴痴地等你歸
你裝作無所謂 其實已痛徹心扉
沒想像中的堅強 堅強的面對是與非
想要給你的安慰 你淡淡笑著拒絕
滿身傷痕的愛情 不值得你付出一切
就算全世界離開你 還有一個我來陪
怎麼捨得讓你受盡冷風吹
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| Sunday, October 26th, 2008
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12:41 am
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Sometimes courage is born from great fear... or desperation
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| Saturday, September 13th, 2008
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12:20 am
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So, I've started my third year rotations. Currently up in the Modesto area in northern cal working on dairies. My previous rotation was in Nebraska for two weeks working on other food animals. I've been away from home for about a month and I sort of miss it. Nothing much else going on, just school as usual. Don't have much time to sort out my thoughts. This was kind of a half ass entry, but I've got nothing else. Just kind of seeing where it takes me, which would involve leaving myself vulnerable. The good things in life are usually a gamble.
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| Friday, July 11th, 2008
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1:02 am
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More than half of the summer has already passed. I work at the animal hospital in the mornings and then I head over to the school anatomy lab for the afternoon. Rinse and repeat. Occasionally other things will pop up to break the cycle.
Work - what can I say? It's hard getting up early to go to work. Work is sort of routine too. I just show up and try not to disappoint.
Lab - I sit in a lab for a few hours inhaling formalin and dissect specimens. I don't mind the dissecting. It's kind of weird, but dissecting is my zen. It's one of the few if only things where I can clear my mind of all thoughts and just be. Almost like meditation I suppose. My other zen activity is listening to music. Listening to music while dissecting and I can tune everything out and be in my happy place. Sometimes the specimen is tough on the hands though and aggravates my carpal tunnel.
My mom is still in Taiwan taking care of family affairs. My grandpa also passed away recently so there's a lot of family stuff to take care of. So it's just my dad and I at home. The cooking still sucks so I have to load up during lunch. I'm chronically sleep deprived. I have to wake up early and I stay up too late. I don't know what it is about staying up late, but I enjoy it even though I have to suffer for it. It just seems like late at night, there seem to be a lot things that are entertaining/amusing/interesting to do so I just put off sleep. Or maybe I don't have that much free time left in the day after work, school, and living so I stay up to make up for it. The tape deck in my car just broke, so I can't listen to my ipod in the car anymore. One my zen events is gone. The commutes are going to be a grind again. The music took the edge off. I'll have to make do somehow.
There is no charge for awesomeness.
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| Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
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7:30 pm
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"You can depend on the trust of the collective"
-from my fortune cookie
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| Monday, June 2nd, 2008
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12:03 am
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I miss Taiwan. I miss my extended family.
I start work tomorrow. Bleh.
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| Thursday, May 29th, 2008
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6:49 pm - history repeats itself
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It's been a while since I last updated. But here's an update in a nutshell.
The grueling second year of vet school is finally over. I get about two months of summer before third year. It will probably just be harder T_T. I was also hoping to end the year without being involved in any drama at school. But I failed. I was so close too. Now, there's nothing left to do, but to wait for the dust to clear and pick up the pieces if there's anything left. Time is suppose to heal all wounds. I guess it depends on how much time is needed. Originally, I had planned to spend my last summer ever in Taiwan. However, a few events changed that. I wasn't going to be able to take enough time off of work to have a meaningful trip. The hospital needed people to work. And then one of the uncles was killed in a car accident. So my mom is going back to Taiwan for the funeral instead. Even if I could go, I'd probably wouldn't want to go under the new circumstances. From this event my parents became suddenly aware of their own mortality. They asked me about writing a will. With all of us having poor communication skills and low EQ, which is typical of the asian family units, it has become a little awkward around the house. So here's what I'll be doing over the summer, working part time at the hospital and working part time at the anatomy lab at school. So much for a summer off. But I guess I would have probably wasted most the time anyway. And that's about it, everything else remains more or less the same and uneventful.
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| Sunday, April 13th, 2008
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1:40 am - -_-;
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"I love you."
"I'm pregnant."
"... ..."
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| Sunday, April 6th, 2008
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9:35 pm
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| Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
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1:02 am
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People are hypocritical, fickle, and walking paradoxes. Myself included. Which is why I am a nihilist.
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| Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
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7:49 pm
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The Nationalist party of Taiwan just won the presidential elections. My dad's going to be pissed.
Meanwhile I'm curious as to what China's going to with the unrest in Tibet with the Olympics coming soon and also the reactions of the other countries of the world. It kind of parallels how World War II was started. We'll see how it plays out.
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| Monday, March 17th, 2008
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8:42 pm
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First day back from break and the workload has doubled. O_O This block's gonna be a pain in the ass. It just gets better and better. Everything wants a piece of me. Come get some!
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12:44 am
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Once again I find myself at the end of a phase and the beginning of a new phase. Change is once again on the horizon. I was just getting use to the current life too. I'm a little scared. Or worried. Or both. Change brings the unknown and maybe it's the unknown that bothers me. I guess I'm just a "worrier." Usually everything ends up fine, but I just can't let go. I don't know if the mundane and routine are the only stable things in life that I find comfort in. I'm habit driven and change always brings stress. Just gotta tough it out, I guess.
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| Thursday, March 6th, 2008
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9:32 am - easily amused...
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| Thursday, February 21st, 2008
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5:39 pm - perception
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"Perception
Just because you dress like a slut doesn't mean you're a slut.
And just because I act like a rapist doesn't mean I'm a rapist."
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kumanuigurumi's journal